November 29, 2011 - hitting the wall

I haven't posted in a few days - I think the reality of it all is hitting me hard, and I'm struggling.  The holidays without our extended family and friends, the constant stress of worrying about all of the 'what ifs' - it's all taking a toll on me.  I feel a lot of pressure to stay positive - for the kids, for Adam, for the other women in the compound who seem to take it all in stride - but I don't feel so cheery about life here, at least not at the moment.

Max has an ingrown toenail that's infected - so off to the clinic he and I went.  The clinic is one of the places that Adam and I visited on our 'reccie' trip - and it's also one of the places that I most dread going.  It's super primitive - the exam room is literally a tiny room with  a portable stretcher, a little curtain, and some wooden file cabinets with labels that say things like "seringes." As if I wasn't uncomfortable enough, I noticed a very large spider crawling in and out of the cabinets while we waited. We have to walk through the main area (that's always filled with depressed looking mothers and children) and go to a tiny area in the corner for the expat clinic.  The doctors are on a rotating schedule, so we have to hope for one who is trained properly as well as speaks a little English.  Today we got a lady who was not very friendly, but prescribed antibiotics for Max's toe.  We took the prescription to a little window inside the clinic where another woman filled the order, and then told me in Portuguese how to use it.  When I didn't understand, she simply walked away.  I can't tell you how humbling it is to be the person who doesn't speak the native language.  You're automatically dependent on the kindness of strangers, and it feels as if you are less intelligent, less worthy than everyone else.  I took the medicine, and left with Max - and once we were home, I was able to deduce the directions on the medicine bottle.

Our power went off again today, which isn't unusual.  What *was* unusual is that it stayed off for several hours.  It didn't bother me at all, until I realized that cooking dinner was going to be a problem.  Adam wasn't home yet, so I had to light a candle in order to see inside the pantry, where the breaker box is located.  I took a chance and flipped the one switch that looked like it wasn't in the right position.....and we had power again!

Also on today's list of firsts - Max and Molly had a tennis lesson after school.  It was the high point of my day - seeing those two playing, learning, and gaining confidence.  I am hopeful that tomorrow will be just a bit easier, a bit less stressful....but at the moment, three years here sounds like a lifetime.